week six recap

some weeks there is just so much going on it's tough to keep up. sometimes it lasts more than a week. that's how it's been for me lately. the good news is, a lot of what's going on is good. or offers the possibility for good. i just haven't had time to report it.

what i do want to post today though is something that has become apparent over the last few weeks focused on meaningful work, and it's this: meaningful work is not a stand-alone thing. it's one component of an integrated life, and that's what i realize i've been struggling to find.

i have been living my life out of buckets: the health bucket, the creativity bucket, the writing bucket, the gardening bucket, the job bucket, the spirituality bucket, the daughter bucket, the girlfriend bucket... and never the twain shall meet.

in trying to identify what my "heart's desires" are, i realized i couldn't break them down into home, creativity, health, relationships, etc. because they are all intertwined.

trying to focus on creativity made me realize my home is not a place that allows space for that. trying to focus on my health made me realize without spirituality and creativity in my life, my health will continue to be missing important components.

so what is my heart's desire? a creative, healthy, productive, integrated life and a physical space and interpersonal connections to support it. and now i have a pretty good picture in my head of what that means. and i believe that it is possible to attain.

i also wanted to share this video from a great chiropractor/nutritionish and all-around health-improver about how to maintain a healthy weight.

the power of forgiveness

okay, i know i'm behind on posting this week's plan, but before i do that i really want to give you a quick update on the forgiveness front. you may remember my uncle who i basically haven't spoken to in like 10 years and who during the week of stronger relationships i resolved to find a way to forgive. well, last night he did come to my grandmother's birthday party.

i have to admit, i was pretty stressed out about it. i mean you don't just go from "i never want to see you again" back to buddies in the blink of a 100 year party candle. but i know that carrying around these ill feelings hurts me more than him (and causes stress for the rest of my family), so i was willing to give it a try. maybe i wouldn't forgive him, but at least i could be civil and give him the benefit of the doubt. and you know what? it really helped. i was able to realize that while he may have his issues, he is not intentionally malicious. the things that happened between us were not him trying to hurt me, it was him not having the slightest ability to understand how what he did would make me feel. and realizing that, i was able to completely enjoy myself at the party without  having to avoid him or brace myself against him. it was a huge relief.

and who knows, maybe someday i will forgive him, but for now i'm happy just to not have to worry about it anymore.

week four recap

okay, i'll admit it: i let this week totally get away from me. work was crazy and stressful, life was crazy and stressful and i found it almost impossible to keep fun in mind at all, much less actually focus on it. i didn't complete a single challenge (food or declutter) nor did i do anything even remotely creative. i did however have a few small wins:

• drove up to petaluma with a friend to see avatar in 3-D and generally get out of town and get a new perspective. it was great (the movie, the change of scenery and spending time with my best friend)
• worked the hula hoop many mornings. i'm starting to get good. :)
• put together a camera that my brother sent me as an early birthday gift. it's all fancy and lets you do things manually instead of just point-and-shoot. it will definitely enable a higher level of creativity in at least that one area of my life. plus it works with my existing film camera lenses which is very cool.
• made lists of possible creative projects and places/activities that inspire (both generic and specific).
• agreed to set up an art day with my friend to help us both find more creative fulfillment.

these are all great things. and i need to remember that the goal is not to see how much fun i can have in a week, it's to see how much fun i can regularly infuse into my daily life. so in that context, i think i did just fine.

oh, and two big wins left over from the week of stronger relationships: spending time with my best friend and having one of the short-list friends i hadn't reconnected with yet contact me. :)  plus i was so heartened by those, i contacted another one on my list. sometimes these things just take a little time. and speaking of relationships, tonight is my grandmother's 100th birthday party. not only will it be great to celebrate our good fortune at having her with us for so long and still going strong, my uncle will be there giving me the opportunity to practice forgiveness. we'll see how it goes...

week two recap

 so week two is over and it's time to move on to week three, but before we go, let's take a look back at how well i did...

family
this week i spent quality time with my mom. it was so nice to have an afternoon all to ourselves, just the two of us hanging out. i also was conscious to thank her for the time and to thank both of my parents for helping me out with an errand over the weekend. i am also pitching in for a big event scheduled for next monday -- my grandmother's 100th birthday party. it will have a luau theme for which i provided a ton of decorations (because who doesn't have two bins worth of inflatable palm trees, plastic leis and grass table skirts in their storage area?). i am also paying for luau food from L&L BBQ.

this party will give me the opportunity to fulfill all of my resolutions for the month -- seeing grandma and spending time with the kids and my brother. even my uncle will be there. i'm not sure forgiveness will rain down from the heavens, but at least i can test my ability to be cordial and see if i can use some of the things i learned from this past week in other areas to help reduce the stress of this strained relationship.

friends
i emailed and set up tentative plans with 3 of my 6 key people. i also had my mom take a quick first pass through the storage area looking for the box that has christine's last known address while she was in there digging for the decorations. no luck. i will need to plan an excavation.

for some reason, i find myself resistant to contact the three remaining friends. i'm not sure why. i keep coming up with excuses like they are too busy and i don't want to bug them, i don't know their schedules or whether we'll be able to find a good time to get together, maybe i'll be too busy, i don't know what we'll do together... not a valid excuse in the bunch. as i was typing this i just realized that these three have something in common that the others don't. the three i have plans to see are people i have known since childhood, who i know love me back and therefore there is no risk involved. the three i haven't contacted are newer friends who i really want to spend more time with but who i haven't developed strong relationships with yet. i'm guessing the fear of rejection is tempering my will here. i may just need to take it a little slower, work up to the invitation and maybe approach them one at a time, not as part of a batch.

one really great thing that came out of this, one night i was thinking about one of my old friends. i planned to go home and send her an email but instead, i just called her. sometimes i forget that hearing someone's voice is completely different than keystrokes in email and it is definitely worth the effort.

partner
it's amazing how sometimes just a little shift -- in perception, approach, and intention -- can make a world of difference. the good progress i posted about earlier in the week has definitely continued and i hope to keep it rolling.

self
this really was the most challenging, revealing and probably rewarding part of the puzzle. i had no idea how often i do to myself just what i don't like to have done by others: dismissing my own needs, denigrating my own dreams, trying to make up for ongoing neglect with big gestures that just don't fill the real need. having to pay attention to how i treat myself, especially in the context of how i wanted to treat others was an eye-opener. my on-going goal will be figuring out how to keep my eyes open.

declutter challenge: bedroom
this was actually a bit of a bust in some ways. i did get and keep the room itself clean, but i had hoped to do a good purge of the storage drawers and the random items that lurk under the dressers that just didn't happen. this is pretty much the same thing that happened last week with the kitchen. i think i need to rethink my approach. i have been waiting until i have a big chunk of time to tackle the whole thing instead of trying to do a little here and a little there all week long. small steps add up. i will keep that in mind for this week.

food challenge: tofu

on the tofu challenge i wound up 2 for three. you already saw my great success with tofu scramble and you're about to see how easy it is to swap tofu for beef in a simple taco recipe. unfortunately, i didn't get to the tofu smoothie. i made the mistake of saving it for last and alas, had my best intentions thwarted by a mild bout with food poisoning. i do intend, however, to make it up this week -- probably tuesday after the gym.

i love food that you get to put together at the table and tacos were one of my favorite family dinners growing up. thing is, even though i do eat red meat again, after twenty years as a vegetarian, i just can't do it all the time. lucky for me, replacing the beef with tofu was easier than i ever imagined. just rinse, pat dry and crumble it into the pan, then follow the instructions on the seasoning packet just like you were cooking with meat (brown, stir, serve). it tasted just as good and was way less greasy. the whole experience leaves my eager to try this substitution in other meat-based dishes, including lasagna and chili, now that i know how easy it is.

so long week two. hello week three!

day of pampering / date with myself

so i know i said yesterday that it wasn't about the pampering of the taking myself on a date, but today i felt like doing both anyway. i had a few hours to kill between appointments so i headed over to the elizabeth gamble garden, a stunning spot (especially at this time of year) hidden in palo alto, just off embarcadero road.

there are few things i love more than spending time in a new garden (especially with my camera), and this one was all i hoped. wisteria in full bloom draped from trellises. purple and white lilacs bloomed, their scent hanging in the air.

there were irises and tulips and poet's daffodils and even a special treat that felt like it was just for me -- my favorite flower, lily of the valley, which is nearly impossible to grow here without the frost. i almost missed the tiny gems.

scattered throughout the garden were elderly couples walking hand in hand, artists capturing colors on canvas, children running along concrete and flagstone paths. in the community portion of the garden, women worked beds of vegetables. cabbage looked ready for harvest.  just 60 minutes felt like a weekend away.

after the visit i stopped at whole foods to pick up some soap and found something i just couldn't resist: gluten-free baking mixes that didn't contain potato. i swear i put five different kinds in my basket but managed to whittle it down to one: the blondie mix. when i got home i whipped up a batch complete with chopped pecans and flaked coconut. and wow. just wow. it was awesome. a little sweeter than i'm used to these days but the flavor and "crumb" were excellent. luckily i was able to stop after three. the rest will go into the freezer for a rainy day.

dancing with myself

i have been thinking a lot about this whole "stronger relationship with myself" thing and i feel like i didn't totally nail the resolutions. you see, this was a topic suggested to me by someone else so i have been having a hard time getting my head around it. but looking back on yesterday's post about my relationship with my partner, this morning i had an epiphany. building a stronger relationship with myself (which i now realize is pretty much the point of this blog) requires basically the same things any relationship needs, they're just directed inward.

a day of pampering is all well and good, but it doesn't really build the relationship. it just makes me feel better in the short term. and writing about it all means nothing without concrete actions. what really counts are pretty much the same things i listed in my partner resolutions:

- be nicer to / gentler with myself
- make the extra effort to take care of myself
- make time for the things that matter to me
- be more available for my own needs (not just those of others)

 yeah, i may still hit the spa for a few hours or take myself out to dinner as a show of good faith, but it's really the little things that make the difference, both with others and for myself.

good start to the week

sometimes all it takes to make small improvements that can lead to significant change is just to keep them at the top of your mind. for example, the nutritionist i met with a few weeks back asked me to write down everything i eat until our next appointment. of course the point is to help me see where my eating habits can use improvement, but really, just having to pay enough attention to what i put in my mouth to be able to write it down (not to mention the fact that i know she is going to review it all) has completely changed my eating habits for the better. this may invalidate its use as a measurement tool, but it's effectiveness as a learning tool more than compensates for the loss.

which brings me back to the point of this post (yes, i promise there is a point) and it's this: that just making the conscious decision to assume my boyfriend is acting with the best intentions, to be nicer to him, to make the extra effort,  to talk more about the things that matter, and to be more available has already made a difference.  today, a day i know he's completely swamped at work, all it took was a quick IM telling him that i wished we worked closer so i could bring him lunch. it reminded us both of good good memories and hopefully made his day a little lighter (i know it did mine), all of which helps improve both compassion and connection. all good stuff.

week two: stronger relationships

welcome to week two. this week's plan -- to find ways to strengthen the most important relationships in my life. for me, when things get busy, relationships always seem to take a back seat to work. partly because they don't have deadlines, partly because the consequences of missing work deliverables have the potential for dire financial consequences, and partly because the people who love you understand. the thing is, without a good support system, managing the stresses that come up in life is that much harder. in fact, for me, strong relationships are second only to good health when it comes to leading a happy, healthy, balanced life (hence its position in my list). to that end, here's this week's plan.

family
the good news is, most of my family is nearby and we are all pretty close. but that doesn't mean there aren't things i can do to make our relationships even stronger. the first one should be easy, but it's always the easiest thing to forget.
- be more appreciative of everything they do for and mean to me
- schedule time to see my grandma at least once per month (she turns 100 this month, so must make time)
- spend more time with my nephews and niece when she is in town (they grow up too fast)
- communicate with my brother more (he only lives two states up, but i rarely talk to him because it makes me miss him more)
- (and this will be the hardest of all) find a way to forgive my uncle (honestly, i don't even know what for, but even though just thinking about this stresses me out, i'm tired of carrying it around)

friends
i actually have a good number of friends but i rarely talk to any of them (except one) and see them even less, and while i would like to see more of all of my friends in general, there are probably five or six that i really miss, and keeping up with them on facebook, livejournal and their blogs, just isn't enough. i also have one lost friend who i would really like to reconnect with.
- reach out to the five or six
- make time to see them (already have a day scheduled with one)
- try and track down christine (so far no luck online, but may have more info buried in my storage space which would be a longer-term project)

partner
- assume the best intentions
- be nicer / make the extra effort
- talk more about the things that matter
- be more available

self
- schedule a day (or at least a few hours) of self-pampering this week
- regularly schedule dates with myself (that involve doing fun things, not vegging in front of the TV)
- stop with the pressure
- journal about this topic in morning pages

declutter challenge: the bedroom, of course
food challenge: tofu (no good reason, just sounds yummy)

interestingly, in the last couple of weeks since i started thinking about this project, i've already started to work on several of these things and others have just happened randomly, like an impromptu chat session initiated by my favorite uncle in new york. but the big goal is for all of this to become second nature. it probably won't happen in a week, but at least i can get the ball rolling.

related reading:
the highly sensitive person in love
getting to commitment
be the person you want to find